PseudoRandom = not really random...?

Listening to: 'Panis Angelicus' by Andrea Bocelli [Sacred Arias]

I should go to sleep. I've never had any trouble falling asleep at night... until now. I just stare at the ceiling. I close my eyes, thinking that might work... but the tick tock of the clock is so loud it could be inside my head. I look at the damn thing... I've been awake for half an hour. It's unnatural for me. I'm the one who can fall asleep in five minutes flat; who can have a ten minute power nap... and now I can't sleep. I do fall asleep eventually... but it makes me quite tired when it's actually time to wake up.

Now this wouldn't be that much of a problem if not for the fact that I have my finals in two weeks' time. Yes, that soon. Stressful stuff... and yet I'm confused. I don't know if I'm stressed or not, and I find that immensely annoying. I think to myself "must work, must work, have to understand this stuff"... and the very next thought is "I actually have more than a week to do past papers... way to go!". Inconsistency may bring welcome excitement to a cricket match, but it's sure as hell not welcome in this context! It's not that I'm not nervous - I've had the usual warning signs that my body is not as calm as my mind... why am I not panicking? Why am I so calm? If I don't get a super-decent grade this year, my dreams of getting starting a PhD in October can be flushed down the toilet. Why am I not panicking about how important this year is? I'm confused.

As if exams weren't enough of an issue, I turn 23 next week. No I'm not fussed about the fact that I'm nearing *mid-twenties* - I've put my lovelife on the backburner for the time being, so the fact that I'm supposedly running out of candidates is not a problem (for now). Instead, my issue with becoming a year older is that it means I have a birthday. Yes, that is a problem. I've had lovely birthdays, I won't deny... but generally, I can't say I have a *best* birthday memory (OK maybe seeing Joseph at the London Palladium when I was 9), or that my birthday has been the best day in that year... or any of the things that you expect people to say about their birthdays. Make no mistake, this isn't supposed to reflect, in any way, the efforts of my friends - my friends are absolutely phenomenal when it comes to birthdays, you can quote me on that... it's just that I'm not an "it's MY birthday" person, I'm an "it's YOUR birthday" person. I would feel awful if I wasn't able to wish a friend for their birthday, but I don't mind if people forget my birthday... actually I find it quite amusing, and then I remind them constantly of their forgetfulness... evil me :D.

Another (less self-centred) theory is that I don't think much of my birthday 'cos I've almost always had exams around the same time... my reward for being born in the best month of the year ;-).

... And there's always the fear factor. I don't do surprises very well. I remember when I was wearing my plaster cast after my op, I went for a regular check-up. There were ~2 weeks more till it was supposed to come off, but Doc thought it would be good to remove it then and there (it was April in Sri Lanka, with power cuts everyday - not the nicest time for plaster casts). I was excited, but then as soon as he removed it, I fainted. Yup, I just plopped. Had to stay in hospital the whole day just so they could make sure I wasn't gonna collapse again. So yeah, basically... "SURPRISE!!!" isn't my best friend. That said, I don't faint everytime I'm surprised... most times, I just choke on my tears :D.

I'm not exactly sure what the point of this post is. I guess I just need to clear my head. I've been reading so much over the past few days (weeks, actually) that I think my brain's gone wonky. I miss my parents... but they'll be here in a month and a week, so all's good.

Oh yeah, I added a site feed to the bottom of the sidebar, so if you're jobless enough to read this regularly ;-), the link should work with any feed reader (at least that's what the website said... hehe). And I added a visit location monitor... it's supposed to get updated tomorrow so we'll see what happens. Don't worry, I'm not gonna hunt you down :D. Also, I changed the picture link so that you now have to be on Facebook to see the photos. Sorry, I just thought it's best. If you desperately want to see piccies, email me and I'll send you the link☺. Oh and I reduced the number of posts displayed on the main page, so there's less to scroll through. I don't think I messed about with anything else.

OK, time to say good night to Mr Bocelli and Mr Josh Groban (Mi Mancherai is amazing) and hit the sack. Hopefully I'll fall asleep before daybreak. And in case you were wondering, it's on the 26th ☺.

An Ode to the English Cricket Team

Listening to: 'Dani California' by Red Hot Chili Peppers [Stadium Arcadium]

To be sung to the tune of Build Me Up, Buttercup by The Foundations (you probably heard it while watching There's Something About Mary):

Why don't you catch it now (catch it now)
Bu-u-tter Fingers
You just let them down (let them down)
And mess them around
And then worst of all (worst of all)
You never win, baby
When they say you will (say you will)
But they love you still
You need sun (you need sun)
More than anything darling
Grey skies won't help win the match
So Butter Fingers (Butter Fingers)
Wipe your hands
And learn how to catch

OK I know some bits don't fit exactly, but I think I did pretty well for 15mins of thinking!*

On a less cheesy note, poor England...how many times have they snatched defeat from the jaws of victory? 9 dropped catches in one match...NINE!!! They must be crying. But of course, Well Done, Boys! Possibly one of the worst first innings, and best second innings performances we've put on. Inconsistency can lead to such excitement! Looking forward to a far more solid performance at Edgbaston though, with or without Sanath. Don't get me wrong, I think Sanath is amazing, but one day, he's gonna have to retire for good. And then we're not gonna be able to call him back to bail us out of trouble. We need to find our feet...literally.

Ah yes, I'm supposed to be revising. Damn.

*This isn't the first time I've 'revamped' popular songs. See White Lent Term.

And on this day...

Listening to: silence (yes, still)

Today, I did something I hadn't done in eleven years. My reasons were in part justifiable - my physical condition doesn't allow me to stay in one position for long (i.e. I have to get up and walk around), and that can cause problems when following a set programme with about three thousand other people around you. Now this reason was only valid until I left my junior school. After that, the opportunity never arose. Either that, or I was revising for exams and not really in a mood to wander on down to the temple for an entire day.

Since coming to university, it hasn't been an option either. In my first year, I had lectures. In my second year, it was a week before exams. In my third year, I was in the middle of Design Project. This year, I decided to forget the excuses and actually do it. OK, so there's no temple nearby...but that doesn't matter. Should there be witnesses? Why? Do I not trust myself to adhere to the precepts? I would be my witness. My conscience would guide me through a day of reflection...and revision, of course.

Those of you who are familiar with Buddhist practices in Sri Lanka will probably guess what I'm on about. Observing Sil is a tradition for most practising Theravadan Buddhists: it is a time to focus on our Buddhist way of life and remind ourselves of the path that we walk along. This Access to Insight page can explain The Eight Precepts and the significance of observing Sil better than I can.

So how did I combine religious observances with revision? Well, took the Eight Precepts at about 10am, revised till 11am. Went and got a sandwich and ate that before noon. Back to revision. At about 4.30pm, I was feeling a bit, well, bored...so I took my copy of Ven. Walpola Rahula's What the Buddha Taught, and I read a few chapters. Then I went back to revision. Stopped revision at about 5.30pm, read some more of the book, and ended my observance at 6.30pm. I've revised...in more ways than one.

You may or may not agree with the teachings of Lord Buddha, and that is your choice. You may or may not consider yourself a Buddhist, and that is also your choice. However, I urge you...if you do agree with His teachings, and if you do consider yourself a Buddhist, observing Attanga Sila is a very rewarding experience. Please don't deny yourself of this experience by making excuses like I have for the past eleven years.

Sabbe sattā bhavantu sukhitattā!