Sunday, January 28, 2007

Happy Birthday, PseudoRandom!

Listening to: 'Himi Nethi Pemakata' by Malini Bulathsinhala [Nimnethi Pemakata]

Somewhere back in November I had 70-odd blog posts and I thought maybe, if I was really keen, I'd be able to reach 100 in time for PseudoRandom's 1st birthday. Looks like I missed that milestone, whoops! But I'll be damned if I miss my first birthday, which is tomorrow. So Happy Birthday to me (in advance)! Here's to many more years of highly therapeutic blogging and hopefully less drama in my life...although that might result in a less interesting blog, so maybe I'll stick with the drama :D.

Speaking of drama...don't I just love it (note the sarcasm). Somehow I can't seem to avoid getting into situations where I want to cry my guts out. Continuing from my last post, my defeatist attitude is seriously pissing me off. I know I need to find a way out of it, but I don't know how! At every turn, there are signs telling me how pointless it is to even think about it. My friends are trying...SoulSister, Shorty, Venus, Waz and others - all have tried their best to cheer me up, but to no avail. My heart feels heavy, and my head hurts. Rejection hurts, but loneliness hurts more. And right now, I feel alone. My gut is sending me mixed signals and I don't know where to turn...and I end up turning to the one person I shouldn't be turning to. A deep and meaningful friendship is all well and good, but when the required closeness is achieved for all the wrong reasons...I dunno, maybe it's not as unhealthy as I think it is (or maybe that's just me hoping that it's not unhealthy).

I saw Babel last night. I was blown away. I know reviews are mixed, and a lot of people are hesitant to recommend it, but for people who love arty movies that explore human interaction, expression and experience, it's one not to be missed. The acting was amazing, and so was the cinematography. Not as good as Constant Gardener, but pretty damn close.

In other news, I'm going into the lab tomorrow. The time has finally arrived. Glassware is ready, chemicals are ready, PseudoRandom is ready (I hope). I hope it works.

You may have noticed that there's no real theme for this post. It's a bit all over the place, as is my mind right now. I've eaten an entire slab of chocolate by myself today, and it has helped...but only somewhat. I wish I could move on. I wish I was strong enough to put it behind me and look towards the future with hope in my heart. Yet all I have is dread. I had to update my parents on my pathetic situation pains me to shatter my mother's dreams, even though it's not my fault that she lives inside a period romance. Will I ever be able to prove to them that I'm normal? Will I ever be able to prove it to myself?

Monday, January 22, 2007

The Art of being Chicken (...or how I have learnt to settle for nearly nothing at all)

Listening to: 'Heal Over' by KT Tunstall [Eye to the Telescope]

SoulSister was giving me a right telling off the other day. She said I'm selling myself short. I guess she's right. I've changed my language of study twice (English to Sinhala when I was 10; Sinhala to English when I was 17), I've undergone major spine surgery (11 years ago today, in fact), I've survived the bitchiness one is confronted with when switching from a sheltered government school to an international school, I've travelled far away from my parents to pursue higher education...and through it all, I've stayed pretty much the same. But somewhere along the line, I lost something. Call it optimism, call it oomph, call it killer it what you like, I've lost it.

I was never one to take risks, but now I won't even push myself. I seem to have developed a "If I don't do anything, nothing can go wrong" mentality...and it's pissing me off. I want to be able to just go out and get what I want...but I'm scared. Scared of failing, scared of falling...scared of hurting. This is especially true when it comes to affairs of the heart. Not that I have had much of a chance...but since of late, the ol' hormones have been making their presence felt. And I'm hating them for it. With every encounter, I feel my heart race...and then I tell myself "yeah but nothing's gonna happen so just pipe down". How can I be so sure? Why am I so convinced that I can never be lucky in love? Is this my method of self-preservation - to put myself down so badly that I repel every individual around with my pessimism? *Sigh* I dunno...but it's not looking good. And every time someone tries to give me an ego boost, it just scares me even more. When did I become such a wuss?

I hate myself so much right now.

Monday, January 15, 2007

PseudoRandom lives again!

Listening to: 'Days Go By' by Lifehouse [Lifehouse]

Happy New Year! If you're happy, that is. If not, well I hope you're happier soon. I'm not a big 'New Year' person...I can't for the life of me understand why people make such a huge fuss over something that exists only since the 1580s. Oh well, my fault for being cynical. Moving on...

I'm not dead. I didn't even go into hiding. I just got really really busy, and then went home for three weeks, where I was also really really busy. Serves me right for going home for Christmas. Still, I loved it. I did miss Cambridge, or certain elements of Cambridge...but it was nice to chill out at home. Now I'm back in the freezer that is Cambridge, and to be honest, loving every minute of it :-).

So what has happened...well, nothing much. Just as well I didn't blog, 'cos I wouldn't have had much to say! I saw Casino Royale, and more recently, The Pursuit of Happyness, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed. Oooh and I saw Happy Feet, which was lovely! I saw a couple of others, but they were pretty forgettable.

It appears love is in the air for 2007, or at least schoolgirlish crushes that may or may not develop into passionate romances. My own endeavours never develop into anything but deep and meaningful friendships so I'm not expecting much romance...still, addiction is a welcome diversion.

I still haven't gone into the lab, although I have ordered the chemicals, so I'm improving. Hopefully next week, my fears will be dispelled forever.

Well, this was just supposed to be a note to let the blogging world that the altruist is still here, and definitely still rambling. Stay tuned.