Monday, January 22, 2007

The Art of being Chicken (...or how I have learnt to settle for nearly nothing at all)

Listening to: 'Heal Over' by KT Tunstall [Eye to the Telescope]

SoulSister was giving me a right telling off the other day. She said I'm selling myself short. I guess she's right. I've changed my language of study twice (English to Sinhala when I was 10; Sinhala to English when I was 17), I've undergone major spine surgery (11 years ago today, in fact), I've survived the bitchiness one is confronted with when switching from a sheltered government school to an international school, I've travelled far away from my parents to pursue higher education...and through it all, I've stayed pretty much the same. But somewhere along the line, I lost something. Call it optimism, call it oomph, call it killer it what you like, I've lost it.

I was never one to take risks, but now I won't even push myself. I seem to have developed a "If I don't do anything, nothing can go wrong" mentality...and it's pissing me off. I want to be able to just go out and get what I want...but I'm scared. Scared of failing, scared of falling...scared of hurting. This is especially true when it comes to affairs of the heart. Not that I have had much of a chance...but since of late, the ol' hormones have been making their presence felt. And I'm hating them for it. With every encounter, I feel my heart race...and then I tell myself "yeah but nothing's gonna happen so just pipe down". How can I be so sure? Why am I so convinced that I can never be lucky in love? Is this my method of self-preservation - to put myself down so badly that I repel every individual around with my pessimism? *Sigh* I dunno...but it's not looking good. And every time someone tries to give me an ego boost, it just scares me even more. When did I become such a wuss?

I hate myself so much right now.


  1. weird, I'm assuming the girl I have a huge thing for right now thinks the same exact way as you. Wants to hang out all the time, gives me the most mixed signals on the planet and when I finally lost it and said "I like you and I want you" all she could come up with a rather lame excuse of "not being ready"

    I hope this doesn't come across as harsh...god knows every day is a fight against fear for myself as well, if its work, love, whatever. You just have to pick up your balls (figuratively speaking in your case of course) and just say what you have to say. Trust me I did it the other day and it feels a lot better, even if the result isn't exactly what you planned.

    P.S. if the person is trustworthy, you might want to have a teeny, tiny drink...just a bit of Dutch courage...but don't go overboard of course...hope that helps and doesn't piss you off too much :)

  2. Hehe thanks N :-) Funnily enough I ended up spilling all yesterday (I'm still recovering from what is possibly the most surreal conversation I have ever had) - the feelings aren't mutual but you're does feel a lot better :-)

    Thankfully Dutch courage wasn't required, but thanks for tip anyway :-)

  3. I'm sorry to hear that...but those conversations are surreal aren't they? Oh well...good luck for the next time...I'm off to go and bash my head against the wall I've been trying to get through for 2 years! :)


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