Monday, January 30, 2006

Wahey, I look like Zhang Zi Yi!

Listening to: 'Hot Air' by My Heater [seriously, not listening to music right now...but my heater is a bit noisy today!]

Confused by the title? Haha try MyHeritage for size! Basically you upload a photo of yourself and the thing tells you which celebrities you look like. Besides looking like China's gift to Hollywood, apparently I also look like Penelope Cruz, Kate Winslet, Lucy Liu, Drew Barrymore and Sofia Coppola. What a combination, eh? If only guys had eyes like this computer programme ;-)

Played Agony Aunt today. Then again, I play Agony Aunt on most days. It's nice that I don't have to play Agony Aunt every day though...sometimes I can just be a listener. Apparently my name means 'listener' in Aramaic...not that I would know for sure. Anyone out there know Aramaic?

Shortstuff lets me be a listener. Shortstuff is amazing. She's an amazing listener too. I adore her. I dunno how she does it. I can be a handful sometimes, especially when the beautiful people show their true colours. Shorty I love you! (}) (and OK you're not that short :P )

This chocolate mousse has been sitting here since lunchtime. I think it's high time I do something about it. And maybe then I'll put some music on and tidy this desk of mine? How about some Basement Jaxx? Sounds good.

It just occurred to me that I can probably have a *short* bilingual conversation with Zhang Zi Yi...although I'm pretty sure that after Memoirs of a Geisha (which was fab, btw) her English will be a hell of a lot better than my Mandarin.

Must eat chocolate mousse.

I'm happy for you, but...

Listening to: 'Foolish Games' by Jewel [Pieces of You]

First of all...*anonymous*, thank you for your thought-provoking comment...PLEASE TELL ME WHO YOU ARE!!! Yes I do believe in Karma and I know my actions will be rewarded...I just need to be reminded of that sometimes, so Thank You (again) :)

What do you do when someone you care about dearly is in the same position you were in a few years back, and you want to warn them about the possible heartbreak to come, but at the same time you don't want to let your bitter sentiments rub off on them? I suppose it is possible that not all guys are jerks...but I'm a skeptic. For all I know, he may be one of the nicest, most caring human beings on the planet, who will never even think of harming her. On the other hand, he may be just another one of the beautiful people, biding his time until he finds a new means of entertainment. I cannot, and WILL NOT stand by and watch her get hurt...although from ~7000 miles away it's easier said than done. She knows what I've been through and I've tried to explain my fears (as much as the brevity of a text message will allow)..but she can't see the scars. She can't see how it can cripple you and turn you into someone you despise. She can't imagine the rivers of tears she might be about to cry. And I can't be there to hold her hand. I feel so helpless. I am happy for her, honest. But I don't know him...and can I really trust entities that I know nothing about?

I really should go to sleep...

Listening to: 'Certain Romance' by Arctic Monkeys [Whatever People Say I Am That's What I'm Not]

OK I've tweaked the settings for this blog so much I think I'm gonna go insane. I HAVE to go to sleep...but the Arctic Monkeys album is sooooooooo awesome! Unbelievable! Well, I lie - it's perfectly believable...the band is genius!

Right, don't think I can do anything more tonight. My eyes are gonna give up on me in ~5mins.

I WILL go to sleep now, honest.

*head starts bobbing to the music, and ideas of sleep slowly drift out the window*

Good Night out there, I hope your tomorrow is better than your today.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Procrastination is the key to...nothing

And today I have done...nothing.

Well, not *nothing*, perhaps. Filled in one question on my PhD application form. Talk about progress. I really should hurry up and finish it, it's been sitting here for months.

This blogging business is far too interesting for me to forget about yet...and far more interesting than any form of application. The background started out black, but after dabbling in a bit of html editing (pray, don't let me become a CompSci! *shock shock horror horror*) I managed to change it to my favourite colour, purple! I is a happy bunny now *dances around room in a thank-goodness-you-can't-see-me kind of way*.

The fact of the matter is, I'm lonely. I've been sitting in my room for the past 3 hours, and no one has MSNd me. THAT is the height of my status patheticus. I believe the beautiful people are engaging in some form of invigorating exercise as I type this, however physical prowess was never something that I was blessed with, and that is not something I wish to be reminded of everyday.

Moving on...

My desk is a mess. It has been for weeks. Shopping lists, supermarket receipts, Chinese class notes, examples papers, tissues (ugh) name it, it's here. I really should tidy it up. I really should do a lot of things. But there's always tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and the day after that...isn't there? Maybe not. What will happen if I fall down tomorrow on the way to lectures and I'm paralysed for the rest of my life? What will happen if I decide to take the bus (to avoid falling and the ensuing paralysis) and the bus crashes? "Think about the present, not the past, not the future" said He. Easier said than done, O' Great One. But then, He knew that better than any of us.

I really need to meditate. I need to channel my thoughts. It would make revision so much easier. I also need to stop thinking about things that are outside my circle of control...i.e. most things.

I have a saying on my wall in front of me now, one by Ajahn Brahmavamso -
At the end of each day, it doesn't matter so much what stage one has attained, or what one has achieved. What really matters is whether one has really practised to the limit of one's ability that day - or instead has been slack and heedless, forgetting the [Buddha's] teachings, and forgetting one's faith that these teachings actually lead to [Nibbana].

Why oh why can't I read this every day?

OK back to application forms. Oh the joy.

Altruism ≡ Doormat Syndrome

"She'll always be there for me when I need her"
"She's a rock"
"I don't know what I'd do without her"

But what about me? I spend so much time being there for everyone else, that I'm never there for me. Well, there's hardly anyone there for me. It's all well and good to say "of course we're all here for you, we all care about you" - but talk is cheap. How many people will ACTUALLY be there for me when I'm feeling down? When I've been treated bad (happens quite often)? When depression takes over? I believe the fingers on one hand are a few too many.

I have many pet peeves...being taken for granted is a big one. However, being taken for granted seems to be one of the side-effects of being an altruist. So what's the solution? Stop being an altruist, obviously. Erm...yeah right, like that will ever happen.

I think selflessness is quite a selfish state of mind (paradox, huh?). To misquote a favourite tune, I get a kick out of...making other people feel good. I don't expect anything in return, maybe just a little gratitude...but nothing major.

Or maybe I'm bullshitting. Maybe what I really expect in return is a little more complex, more demanding, impossible even for some people: to be treated well. After all, all I want is to be loved by the people I love. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so.

Be nice to me! I'm always nice to you, is it so difficult to reciprocate? Not once a year, not once a month...not even once a day...but ALWAYS.

But maybe it is too difficult to be nice to me. Maybe if I had to be nice to me, I'd find it difficult too. Maybe that's why I'm an altruist - is it really easier to be nice to other people than it is to be nice to myself?

Interesting thought to chew on. However, a late breakfast is more satisfying. Over and out.

So Why Am I Doing This?

So, why this? why now?

Because it's cool?
Because everyone's doing it?
Because 'apparently' it's fun?
Because I read somewhere in a book that penning down your thoughts is good therapy?
Because there are things I can't tell the people I love and care about (and those I don't)?
Because I need something to do instead of working?
Because I'm lonely and this blog will become my friend?

Hmm...a conjuncture of all, perhaps. Or maybe I'm just creating this on a whim. Either way, here it is. If I never post another blog again, it doesn't mean I'm too busy or I'm having too much just means I've forgotten. If I post blogs religiously every Sunday, it means I'm actually organising myself. Way to go me.

Oh well, here goes nothing!