Saturday, March 25, 2006

Is it honestly brutal to be brutally honest?

Listening to: 'Desperately' by Michelle Branch [Hotel Paper]

A lot's happened in the past week. I've been in a supervision where I couldn't help but think that I could explain things better than the supervisor; I've been bedridden with flu; I've been up till 3am doing coursework (while suffering from said flu); I've tidied my desk (yes, it's that much of an achievement)...and I've blown a fuse or two. Nope, nothing electrical, unless you're referring to neurons.

To misquote a certain someone, "it's never just about washing the plates" - an accumulation of a whole lotta shite resulted in me seemingly overreacting over something extremely trivial, and almost breaking up the party with my ceremonial exit. Instead of making the lonely walk back home (not so safe after dark for a girl in these parts), I stayed...and forced those present to realise that all is not fine and dandy in the world of Me...or at least I thought I did. I spilled my guts for all to see: a moment of weakness, or an SOS? You choose. A number of people came to my aid. Whether they came to make sure I was OK, or to quickly quell the matter so that they could return to the party...I don't know, and I don't want to know...fact remains that they came. And most of them said things that were comforting. Others said nothing, but I won't dwell on that. Some of the concern came from people I NEVER expected it from...You never cease to amaze me, do you know that?
I don't know who (if anyone) checked to see if the recipient of my rage was OK...but at that time, I wasn't in a mood to care.

I was all up for the proverbial talk that was proposed...but a few minutes in, I realised that talking to a brick wall would be more rewarding. I am left not knowing. We have issues...and I have opened the floor for debate, but it is empty as yet. I'm not gonna stand in the spotlight and share my woes with those who couldn't give a damn. You wanna talk, we talk. You don't wanna talk, we don't talk. Either way, I'm OK...I have a life to get on with (she says, trying to reassure herself more than those listening).

A fresh fear has dawned on me though. After this incident, my emotional instability is no longer a hidden disease. On the contrary, it is hot gossip. Now you tell me, would you invite me into your home if you knew I was this crazy? It's like when people realise that Scott Howard is actually a werewolf. In his case, he becomes an exhibit. I'll just be ostracised. It's been done before, so I wouldn't be surprised if it happens again. It doesn't matter whose fault it is, just get rid of the one who brings the issue up. And we all know who the unpopular one is.

People seem to have an issue with the fact that I call a spade a spade. Well, what else am I supposed to call the damn thing, a spoon? I don't mince my words, and when I have issues with things and can't speak up about it...I explode. This blog gives me an outlet for some of the things I can't speak about, but there are those things that are too sensitive even for here, regardless of the anonymity that this blog allows. Brutally honest, maybe. But honesty above all else. If people can't take the truth, they're more flawed than they think.

There are those whom I care about immensely, whom I'd like to bring into my circle of confidence, so that they could maybe understand me better, and I would be burdened less. However, I get the impression that while these people do care about me somewhat, they don't want to deal with my imperfections. They don't want to help me through the bad times - they'd much rather just wait for someone else to help me, so they can enjoy me during the good times. Are they not strong enough to hold me up when I'm weak? Are they not strong enough to wipe away my tears? Why leave all the dirty work for one or two angels? Am I not worth the effort?

Am I ashamed of the fact that most people are either scared of me or don't like me? No, but I am disappointed...for I would've hoped that humanity would be more courageous and sincere than that.
Am I going to change the way I am, just so that people accept me? No, for that would be fake...I am a lot of things, but 'fake' is one thing I am not.
Sometimes I think I'm the only one who's truly comfortable in my own skin. I am by no means perfect, but I couldn't imagine myself any other way. Sometimes I think this is what scares people.

I'm alone tonight, as I am every night. And I've cried tonight, as I do most nights. Does the fact that I cry make me a weakling? An angel wiped my tears this evening, and I am thankful for that. But will there always be an angel standing by?

Thursday, March 16, 2006

...and exhale.

Listening to: 'No Way Back' by Foo Fighters [In Your Honor]

Over. Term: over. Lectures: over. Research project presentation: over. Chinese exam: over. Life: not over, apparently. I've got a Project Management meeting at 10am tomorrow morning. Yippee. And Rheology supervision on Monday (Have I done any work for it? Are you kidding? That's what Sunday's for :D ).

Let's see how things've gone since Monday. Well, Monday afternoon was good. Research project presentation went well - very well in fact, with us being chosen joint 'Best Poster' winners. 'Winner' in a purely figurative manner of course, we didn't actually win anything. But still...apparently we're being taken out to lunch sometime, which is nice.

After the euphoria had died down, it was time to concentrate on Chinese. 5 minute presentation? Easy! Erm...not quite. YOU try writing a 5 minute presentation on something non-technical after doing Chemical Engineering for over 3 years. Oh and don't forget, the vocabulary has to be simple enough for you to translate it into Chinese. Let's just say I finally had a complete presentation by 1pm today (presentation was at 3pm). It went OK though, and while my pronunciation may have been suspect, I think she understood everything I wanted to say, so it wasn't all that bad.

Oh how I want to finish all this revision stuff and get on with research. Hopefully I'll be around Jiàn Qiáo for a few more years...although those Londoners seem to be pretty keen to see me too. We shall see. Visions of bargaining with universities float into view...hee hee that would be fun.

It's fine that research doesn't appeal to everyone...I understand that I'm in the minority, and I'm not upset about it. But what does upset me is the fact that those who don't like research aren't even willing to acknowledge its value in society. They wouldn't have the wonderful job offers they have right now if the likes of Newton and Reynolds hadn't done research all those years ago. Oil companies wouldn't exist if no one had discovered how to crack crude oil. Pharmaceutical companies wouldn't exist if not for research in biotechnology and colloid science. Most of the big cats in the economic arena wouldn't exist if it weren't for research. And yet my supposedly intelligent classmates are blind to this fact. Money money money is all that drives them. They're convinced that if one has money, one is happy; without need for anything else. When searching for suitable adjectives, the word "shallow" comes to mind. There's a quote from somewhere that I remember...
"Money can buy a bed, but not sleep
Money can buy books, but not brains
Money can buy food, but not appetite
Money can buy finery, but not beauty
Money can buy a house, but not a home
Money can buy medicine, but not health
Money can buy luxuries, but not culture
Money can buy amusement, but not happiness
Money can buy companions, but not friends
Money can buy flattery, but not respect."
I'm not saying that money isn't is. But there's more to life than being loaded. Shallow people make me feel sick.

It's even worse when the same shallow people are also white supremist racists. No I'm not name-calling, I'm stating a fact. And knowing said person, they wouldn't deny it. In fact, they'd be quite proud of it. They think it's cool to belittle countries that they know nothing about. Ignorant fools probably can't even point the countries out on a map (OK this time it was name-calling). It takes a lot of willpower and restraint to tell myself that they're not worth boiling my blood over. But I am a patriot, through and through. And it hurts when someone insults my country. Especially when what they say is totally unfounded, and based on a completely misguided notion of what civilisation really is. My country isn't perfect. My people have made a lot of mistakes...I'm not even trying to dispute that. However, my Motherland is my home...where I grew up. I would not be the person I am if not for her...and I for one, am proud of who I am. I know most people can't stand me, but that's their problem, not mine. If a fellow countryman feels no love for Mother Lanka, then all I can do is feel disappointed. BUT if a foolish outsider thinks he has a right to ridicule my country and my brothers and sisters, then disappointment will lose out to anger. I know, I need to meditate.

Anyway, I guess I've ranted enough for the time being. BTW 'friendindeed', thank you for the support And Niki, thanks for the offer ;) Let's just say some things are better left unsaid. It's quite sad, because when the beautiful people aren't busy acting ugly...they're actually beautiful inside...more beautiful than most people I know.

Bye bye...

Monday, March 13, 2006

To Anon...

Listening to: 'feet on floor' by person upstairs [yes, I'm serious]

Anon., I believe you've been watching too much South Park :P

Saturday, March 11, 2006

A Summary of Sorts

Listening to: 'The Long Day is Over' by Norah Jones [Come Away With Me]

Wahey, I have some free time? Who cares that it's 6 minutes to 1am?! Not me, obviously.

Let's long is it since I've posted properly? 17 days, according to my calendar. That's a long time. You'd expect me to have gone through a few ups and downs in that time. Surprisingly, I don't have much to tell.

The highlight of the past two weeks was ShortStuff's birthday. 21...FINALLY!!! Words cannot describe the look on her face when the 10-12 friends she expected turned into almost 30 friends from all over the UK. 'Twas a pleasant evening - not without hiccups, but overall quite smooth. Haelios brought his shiny new EOS that's one big toy. It came in handy when taking neat portrait pics of all those worthy of being photographed.

We now have a printed research project poster, and a powerpoint presentation. Presentation is on Monday. I'm not that nervous - we know what we're doing, so there's no issue of being stuck for words during question time. Project Management is a colossal waste of time, but 5% has been completed already.

What else...oh, the beautiful people raised their ugly heads momentarily...apparently being acquainted with me isn't something to be say it hurts would be putting it mildly. Excuses have been made in some cases, however...and I have no option other than to take them on trust. I like to think that times are changing...

Oh well, I've been here an hour and have dozed off too many times...I've nothing else to say anyway...

Will update again once I've done my presentation.

Good Night.

Friday, March 10, 2006


Listening to: 'My Stupid Mouth' by John Mayer [Inside Wants Out]

In case you were wondering...I haven't abandoned this...I'm just insanely busy. Will update when I'm not doing something else that's more important at the time.

Falling in love with John Mayer's guitar skills.