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Listening to: 'Desperately' by Michelle Branch [Hotel Paper]
A lot's happened in the past week. I've been in a supervision where I couldn't help but think that I could explain things better than the supervisor; I've been bedridden with flu; I've been up till 3am doing coursework (while suffering from said flu); I've tidied my desk (yes, it's that much of an achievement)...and I've blown a fuse or two. Nope, nothing electrical, unless you're referring to neurons.
To misquote a certain someone, "it's never just about washing the plates" - an accumulation of a whole lotta shite resulted in me seemingly overreacting over something extremely trivial, and almost breaking up the party with my ceremonial exit. Instead of making the lonely walk back home (not so safe after dark for a girl in these parts), I stayed...and forced those present to realise that all is not fine and dandy in the world of Me...or at least I thought I did. I spilled my guts for all to see: a moment of weakness, or an SOS? You choose. A number of people came to my aid. Whether they came to make sure I was OK, or to quickly quell the matter so that they could return to the party...I don't know, and I don't want to know...fact remains that they came. And most of them said things that were comforting. Others said nothing, but I won't dwell on that. Some of the concern came from people I NEVER expected it from...You never cease to amaze me, do you know that? I don't know who (if anyone) checked to see if the recipient of my rage was OK...but at that time, I wasn't in a mood to care.
I was all up for the proverbial talk that was proposed...but a few minutes in, I realised that talking to a brick wall would be more rewarding. I am left not knowing. We have issues...and I have opened the floor for debate, but it is empty as yet. I'm not gonna stand in the spotlight and share my woes with those who couldn't give a damn. You wanna talk, we talk. You don't wanna talk, we don't talk. Either way, I'm OK...I have a life to get on with (she says, trying to reassure herself more than those listening).
A fresh fear has dawned on me though. After this incident, my emotional instability is no longer a hidden disease. On the contrary, it is hot gossip. Now you tell me, would you invite me into your home if you knew I was this crazy? It's like when people realise that Scott Howard is actually a werewolf. In his case, he becomes an exhibit. I'll just be ostracised. It's been done before, so I wouldn't be surprised if it happens again. It doesn't matter whose fault it is, just get rid of the one who brings the issue up. And we all know who the unpopular one is.
People seem to have an issue with the fact that I call a spade a spade. Well, what else am I supposed to call the damn thing, a spoon? I don't mince my words, and when I have issues with things and can't speak up about it...I explode. This blog gives me an outlet for some of the things I can't speak about, but there are those things that are too sensitive even for here, regardless of the anonymity that this blog allows. Brutally honest, maybe. But honesty above all else. If people can't take the truth, they're more flawed than they think.
There are those whom I care about immensely, whom I'd like to bring into my circle of confidence, so that they could maybe understand me better, and I would be burdened less. However, I get the impression that while these people do care about me somewhat, they don't want to deal with my imperfections. They don't want to help me through the bad times - they'd much rather just wait for someone else to help me, so they can enjoy me during the good times. Are they not strong enough to hold me up when I'm weak? Are they not strong enough to wipe away my tears? Why leave all the dirty work for one or two angels? Am I not worth the effort?
Am I ashamed of the fact that most people are either scared of me or don't like me? No, but I am disappointed...for I would've hoped that humanity would be more courageous and sincere than that.
Am I going to change the way I am, just so that people accept me? No, for that would be fake...I am a lot of things, but 'fake' is one thing I am not. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who's truly comfortable in my own skin. I am by no means perfect, but I couldn't imagine myself any other way. Sometimes I think this is what scares people.
I'm alone tonight, as I am every night. And I've cried tonight, as I do most nights. Does the fact that I cry make me a weakling? An angel wiped my tears this evening, and I am thankful for that. But will there always be an angel standing by?
A lot's happened in the past week. I've been in a supervision where I couldn't help but think that I could explain things better than the supervisor; I've been bedridden with flu; I've been up till 3am doing coursework (while suffering from said flu); I've tidied my desk (yes, it's that much of an achievement)...and I've blown a fuse or two. Nope, nothing electrical, unless you're referring to neurons.
To misquote a certain someone, "it's never just about washing the plates" - an accumulation of a whole lotta shite resulted in me seemingly overreacting over something extremely trivial, and almost breaking up the party with my ceremonial exit. Instead of making the lonely walk back home (not so safe after dark for a girl in these parts), I stayed...and forced those present to realise that all is not fine and dandy in the world of Me...or at least I thought I did. I spilled my guts for all to see: a moment of weakness, or an SOS? You choose. A number of people came to my aid. Whether they came to make sure I was OK, or to quickly quell the matter so that they could return to the party...I don't know, and I don't want to know...fact remains that they came. And most of them said things that were comforting. Others said nothing, but I won't dwell on that. Some of the concern came from people I NEVER expected it from...You never cease to amaze me, do you know that? I don't know who (if anyone) checked to see if the recipient of my rage was OK...but at that time, I wasn't in a mood to care.
I was all up for the proverbial talk that was proposed...but a few minutes in, I realised that talking to a brick wall would be more rewarding. I am left not knowing. We have issues...and I have opened the floor for debate, but it is empty as yet. I'm not gonna stand in the spotlight and share my woes with those who couldn't give a damn. You wanna talk, we talk. You don't wanna talk, we don't talk. Either way, I'm OK...I have a life to get on with (she says, trying to reassure herself more than those listening).
A fresh fear has dawned on me though. After this incident, my emotional instability is no longer a hidden disease. On the contrary, it is hot gossip. Now you tell me, would you invite me into your home if you knew I was this crazy? It's like when people realise that Scott Howard is actually a werewolf. In his case, he becomes an exhibit. I'll just be ostracised. It's been done before, so I wouldn't be surprised if it happens again. It doesn't matter whose fault it is, just get rid of the one who brings the issue up. And we all know who the unpopular one is.
People seem to have an issue with the fact that I call a spade a spade. Well, what else am I supposed to call the damn thing, a spoon? I don't mince my words, and when I have issues with things and can't speak up about it...I explode. This blog gives me an outlet for some of the things I can't speak about, but there are those things that are too sensitive even for here, regardless of the anonymity that this blog allows. Brutally honest, maybe. But honesty above all else. If people can't take the truth, they're more flawed than they think.
There are those whom I care about immensely, whom I'd like to bring into my circle of confidence, so that they could maybe understand me better, and I would be burdened less. However, I get the impression that while these people do care about me somewhat, they don't want to deal with my imperfections. They don't want to help me through the bad times - they'd much rather just wait for someone else to help me, so they can enjoy me during the good times. Are they not strong enough to hold me up when I'm weak? Are they not strong enough to wipe away my tears? Why leave all the dirty work for one or two angels? Am I not worth the effort?
Am I ashamed of the fact that most people are either scared of me or don't like me? No, but I am disappointed...for I would've hoped that humanity would be more courageous and sincere than that.
Am I going to change the way I am, just so that people accept me? No, for that would be fake...I am a lot of things, but 'fake' is one thing I am not. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who's truly comfortable in my own skin. I am by no means perfect, but I couldn't imagine myself any other way. Sometimes I think this is what scares people.
I'm alone tonight, as I am every night. And I've cried tonight, as I do most nights. Does the fact that I cry make me a weakling? An angel wiped my tears this evening, and I am thankful for that. But will there always be an angel standing by?
I'm someone who always tries to avoid conflict. If something bothers me, I do try to talk to the person, but if it doenst work then I tend to turn my back on the situation, rather than get in to heated discussion. So I have to say, kudos to you for standing up to them and letting them know exactly how you felt :)it's therapeutic
ReplyDeleteBtw, people who are only around to enjoy the good times with you arent worth your time at all. It's not you who is not worth the effort, its them. It's only the friends who are there in times of need that matter, so be happy with the angels you have around you and dont waste a second on the papa mitrayas.
*pat pat*
ReplyDeleteu need a hug real bad sis.. i hope someone langa paatha gives u one soon!
chin up =)
kudos 4 standin up 4urself
jus grit ur teeth & await the reward
i just want to tell you that there ARE people who very truly care about you. even if they may not show it. i promise :)
ReplyDeleteyou are an absolutely wonderful friend and an amazing person.
if some people can't see that then screw them. :p
"Am I going to change the way I am, just so that people accept me? No, for that would be fake...I am a lot of things, but 'fake' is one thing I am not."
ReplyDeleteSo what do you suggest? Do you expect everyone else around you to change so that you will be accepted? Have you ever considered that it is you that's wrong? That it's you that is causing parties to lose their charm etc.?
Also, you can't expect people to just accept you as you are, if you aren't ready to accept THEM as THEY are. Basically, something's gotta give. And if they are the happy ones, and you aren't maybe you should change? Taking the moral highground may serve to convince you that it is they that need to change but it doesn't provide a constructive solution to your dilemma.
I'm not saying that they're right or that they're wrong. I'm just saying that time spent writing about your woes is better spent addressing them. You're grown up now, life isn't fair (maybe it's less fair for you too). Don't rely entirely on others for something as important as your own happiness and sense of self worth.
Take matters into your own hands, forge your own future. If these 'friends' aren't a part of that future, then it's their loss.
Also posting on a publicly viewable blog isn't particularly helpful. If these people you refer to know that this is your blog, it will serve only to push them further away since you (to be honest) come across as someone who spends too much time feeling sorry for herself. Sure, it's therapeutic to express your feelings and there is a time to feel self sorrow. But remember, these should just serve as preludes to your fighting back.
So, change yourself or change your friends. And changing yourself doesn't necessarily make you fake.
Hey sam,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know that imo, dissing ppl in a public page isn't very nice, regardless of what u say is true of false, right or wrong! Confide with someone, but this isn't very pleasant!
I wish i hadn't checked this site! may be it's my fault for looking, sorry :( and sorry if i sound harsh or rude, but i had to be honest!