Sunday, January 28, 2007

Happy Birthday, PseudoRandom!

Listening to: 'Himi Nethi Pemakata' by Malini Bulathsinhala [Nimnethi Pemakata]

Somewhere back in November I had 70-odd blog posts and I thought maybe, if I was really keen, I'd be able to reach 100 in time for PseudoRandom's 1st birthday. Looks like I missed that milestone, whoops! But I'll be damned if I miss my first birthday, which is tomorrow. So Happy Birthday to me (in advance)! Here's to many more years of highly therapeutic blogging and hopefully less drama in my life...although that might result in a less interesting blog, so maybe I'll stick with the drama :D.

Speaking of drama...don't I just love it (note the sarcasm). Somehow I can't seem to avoid getting into situations where I want to cry my guts out. Continuing from my last post, my defeatist attitude is seriously pissing me off. I know I need to find a way out of it, but I don't know how! At every turn, there are signs telling me how pointless it is to even think about it. My friends are trying...SoulSister, Shorty, Venus, Waz and others - all have tried their best to cheer me up, but to no avail. My heart feels heavy, and my head hurts. Rejection hurts, but loneliness hurts more. And right now, I feel alone. My gut is sending me mixed signals and I don't know where to turn...and I end up turning to the one person I shouldn't be turning to. A deep and meaningful friendship is all well and good, but when the required closeness is achieved for all the wrong reasons...I dunno, maybe it's not as unhealthy as I think it is (or maybe that's just me hoping that it's not unhealthy).

I saw Babel last night. I was blown away. I know reviews are mixed, and a lot of people are hesitant to recommend it, but for people who love arty movies that explore human interaction, expression and experience, it's one not to be missed. The acting was amazing, and so was the cinematography. Not as good as Constant Gardener, but pretty damn close.

In other news, I'm going into the lab tomorrow. The time has finally arrived. Glassware is ready, chemicals are ready, PseudoRandom is ready (I hope). I hope it works.

You may have noticed that there's no real theme for this post. It's a bit all over the place, as is my mind right now. I've eaten an entire slab of chocolate by myself today, and it has helped...but only somewhat. I wish I could move on. I wish I was strong enough to put it behind me and look towards the future with hope in my heart. Yet all I have is dread. I had to update my parents on my pathetic situation pains me to shatter my mother's dreams, even though it's not my fault that she lives inside a period romance. Will I ever be able to prove to them that I'm normal? Will I ever be able to prove it to myself?


  1. When did you start eating chocolate again!??

    By the way, in reference to the reason for your head being all over the place - sometimes cheering up ISN'T what the doctor ordered, and just a little wallowing in the moment, and then lots of time, is the only way to pick apart the sudden tangle of thoughts that results. At least, in my somewhat limited experience.

    Love you and miss you, and always available for a rant!

  2. well congratulations on the 1 year mark! kudos on the wallowing, blogging and chocolate eating...I also like smoking but I wouldn't advise you taking that on:)!

    Also talking/flirting to random members of the opposite sex helps, simply because either way it goes the outcome doesn't really matter..

    As someone very wise said to me:
    "We’ll all live through times like these, and look back on them with a learned smile on our faces"


  3. "Rejection hurts, but loneliness hurts more."
    I know =(


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