Saturday, May 20, 2006

PseudoRandom = not really random...?

Listening to: 'Panis Angelicus' by Andrea Bocelli [Sacred Arias]

I should go to sleep. I've never had any trouble falling asleep at night... until now. I just stare at the ceiling. I close my eyes, thinking that might work... but the tick tock of the clock is so loud it could be inside my head. I look at the damn thing... I've been awake for half an hour. It's unnatural for me. I'm the one who can fall asleep in five minutes flat; who can have a ten minute power nap... and now I can't sleep. I do fall asleep eventually... but it makes me quite tired when it's actually time to wake up.

Now this wouldn't be that much of a problem if not for the fact that I have my finals in two weeks' time. Yes, that soon. Stressful stuff... and yet I'm confused. I don't know if I'm stressed or not, and I find that immensely annoying. I think to myself "must work, must work, have to understand this stuff"... and the very next thought is "I actually have more than a week to do past papers... way to go!". Inconsistency may bring welcome excitement to a cricket match, but it's sure as hell not welcome in this context! It's not that I'm not nervous - I've had the usual warning signs that my body is not as calm as my mind... why am I not panicking? Why am I so calm? If I don't get a super-decent grade this year, my dreams of getting starting a PhD in October can be flushed down the toilet. Why am I not panicking about how important this year is? I'm confused.

As if exams weren't enough of an issue, I turn 23 next week. No I'm not fussed about the fact that I'm nearing *mid-twenties* - I've put my lovelife on the backburner for the time being, so the fact that I'm supposedly running out of candidates is not a problem (for now). Instead, my issue with becoming a year older is that it means I have a birthday. Yes, that is a problem. I've had lovely birthdays, I won't deny... but generally, I can't say I have a *best* birthday memory (OK maybe seeing Joseph at the London Palladium when I was 9), or that my birthday has been the best day in that year... or any of the things that you expect people to say about their birthdays. Make no mistake, this isn't supposed to reflect, in any way, the efforts of my friends - my friends are absolutely phenomenal when it comes to birthdays, you can quote me on that... it's just that I'm not an "it's MY birthday" person, I'm an "it's YOUR birthday" person. I would feel awful if I wasn't able to wish a friend for their birthday, but I don't mind if people forget my birthday... actually I find it quite amusing, and then I remind them constantly of their forgetfulness... evil me :D.

Another (less self-centred) theory is that I don't think much of my birthday 'cos I've almost always had exams around the same time... my reward for being born in the best month of the year ;-).

... And there's always the fear factor. I don't do surprises very well. I remember when I was wearing my plaster cast after my op, I went for a regular check-up. There were ~2 weeks more till it was supposed to come off, but Doc thought it would be good to remove it then and there (it was April in Sri Lanka, with power cuts everyday - not the nicest time for plaster casts). I was excited, but then as soon as he removed it, I fainted. Yup, I just plopped. Had to stay in hospital the whole day just so they could make sure I wasn't gonna collapse again. So yeah, basically... "SURPRISE!!!" isn't my best friend. That said, I don't faint everytime I'm surprised... most times, I just choke on my tears :D.

I'm not exactly sure what the point of this post is. I guess I just need to clear my head. I've been reading so much over the past few days (weeks, actually) that I think my brain's gone wonky. I miss my parents... but they'll be here in a month and a week, so all's good.

Oh yeah, I added a site feed to the bottom of the sidebar, so if you're jobless enough to read this regularly ;-), the link should work with any feed reader (at least that's what the website said... hehe). And I added a visit location monitor... it's supposed to get updated tomorrow so we'll see what happens. Don't worry, I'm not gonna hunt you down :D. Also, I changed the picture link so that you now have to be on Facebook to see the photos. Sorry, I just thought it's best. If you desperately want to see piccies, email me and I'll send you the link. Oh and I reduced the number of posts displayed on the main page, so there's less to scroll through. I don't think I messed about with anything else.

OK, time to say good night to Mr Bocelli and Mr Josh Groban (Mi Mancherai is amazing) and hit the sack. Hopefully I'll fall asleep before daybreak. And in case you were wondering, it's on the 26th .


  1. i know exactly what u mean about not taking surprises too well...
    i'm more of a it's UR b'day person too..
    i don't like not knowing what ppl are doing.. especially if it's for me.
    weird? maybe.. but that's just the way i feel!
    but when i think about, when u look back on surprises its always nice. it makes u feel good.. so i say just go with it :)
    and don't worry so much about ur exams.. maybe ur less stressed because u've been thru the exam cycle soo many times that ur minds just used to it now. which is a good thing.
    think positively and just do ur best. if u're meant to do well u will.
    good luck! :)

  2. Andrea Bocelli is amazing..I love Amore, I think its one of his best.

    Dont worry about not stressing out! Be glad.
    It's probably because you are quite well prepared for them..last thing you need is to be stressed about why you are not stressed

    GOOD LUCK GIRL!! I'm sure you will do great


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