Settling

Listening to: 'Defying Gravity' by Glee Cast [Glee: The Music, Volume 1]

My insides ache when I hear the Glee version of this song (I haven't seen Wicked yet so I've nothing to compare it with). There's a spot deep within my body, somewhere beneath my diaphragm...and it's like there's someone there, clawing at my skin from the inside, screaming, trying to get out. My chest feels tight, as if my lungs are trying to jump out of my ribcage. And my shoulders feel like they're about to explode.

My insides ache when I see babies. And oddly enough, it's exactly the same kind of ache I just described. It's like there's another pair of arms inside my own, trying to reach out.

The aching is also the same...when I'm spending time with him. It's like I have to restrain myself. It's a deep sense of longing, coupled with restraint. But I don't think it's him (even though he is lovely). And it isn't the babies (even though they are adorable). In fact, it isn't even the song (even though it is an amazing rendition of an amazing song). On the contrary, I think all this aching is just a manifestation of loneliness. A lot of loneliness.

It's the longing for something familiar, something comforting, something safe. Something that makes me truly happy. The majority of my real friends are somewhere between 50 and 11,000 miles away from me...and when a proper hug is what you need, even one mile is too many miles away. All I can hope for are weekends like the last one, or stolen moments with Shorty.

A part of me feels that this loneliness was the main reason for this crush (because essentially that's all it is) to develop. It wasn't because I wanted to be with him, but more because I wanted to be with someone. I've been thinking, and while I always knew he wasn't gonna be Mr. Right, I've decided that he isn't even Mr. Right Now. That's not to say he isn't an absolute sweetheart ('cos he is), but my gut is telling me that he's never gonna be my sweetheart...and if I've learnt one lesson from my many romantic misadventures, it's that I should always listen to my gut.

So here's the part where I let go. Where I rid my mind of all misplaced hope, and accept the reality of my predicament. I am sad, and I want to cry...but something's stopping me (there's that restraint again). Boys have brought me nothing but tears for the past 13 years, and it's always the same: "He doesn't like me! Waaah!". Something's gotta give.

You know, maybe I'm just not cut out for this 'relationship' malarkey. I mean I've always been a loner. Team activities were never my thing. Choir was probably the closest thing to teamwork that I engaged in, and even then I remember getting told off 'cos my voice could be heard "like a gunshot" over everyone else's (RIP Uncle Lylie). Maybe I just work better on my own.

A lot of people, including Shorty and my mother, seem to think that I'll find someone when I leave Cambridge. However, considering I currently have no plans for my post-Cambridge life, I think their words are probably meant as much to reassure them as they are to comfort me. And so I'm settling. For whatever comes my way. Apparently the horoscopes are coming in without any effort from my parents (go figure!), so I'll just wait for one to match. I can't hope for love, but at least I can hope for companionship, right?

To the polls!

Listening to: 'Ego' by Beyoncé [I Am...Sasha Fierce]

It's happening, people. Gordon Brown has called a general election for the 6th of May, and there are now less than 30 days for the residents of this country to choose their next leader. Why did I say 'residents' instead of 'citizens'? Well I've known for a while that non-citizen residents could vote in council elections, but up until now, I was under the impression that you had to be a British citizen in order to be eligible to vote in a general election. Today I found out that that isn't the case. It turns out that UK residents from 'qualifying Commonwealth countries' (and therefore Sri Lanka) are eligible to vote in all UK elections, including general elections. Which means, folks, yours truly will be voting for the first time next month!!!

I've been on the SL electoral register since I was old enough to vote, but I've been in the UK whenever there's been an election. I've been on the UK electoral register since I started uni, but since I was under the shelter of college life, I'd never thought to vote...until now. With each passing moment I feel just that little bit more 'British', and voting in this election feels as much a 'duty' as it does a 'right'. I feel honoured that I have a say in the future of the country where I have spent half of my life. I guess the Commonwealth is good for something apart from my scholarship, eh? ;-)

Those who follow me on twitter will probably know that I've been quite excited about this all day. The cynics among you will probably scoff at my enthusiasm in what you see as a fruitless farce, but I for one disagree. I can't wait to go put a cross on that ballot paper. I don't know where I'm gonna put that cross yet, but I have less than a month to decide. Looks like I have a lot of research to do!

trustno1

Listening to: 'Pass Out' by Plan B [Radio 1 Live Lounge]

I used to love X-Files. It was the only thing I could be bothered staying up late enough to watch on TV. I've forgotten a lot of what I saw, apart from the Smoking Man, the stretchy dude who came out of the escalator, and of course Mulder's password. But I digress. Sort of.

When you choose to trust a female friend with a secret, say the fact that you fancy their friend...you generally expect them to do one of two things: honour that trust, support you and keep quiet about the whole thing, or betray that trust and blab all over town. What you probably don't expect, is for them to act like you never told them anything and then use every opportunity they get to give you a "ha ha he likes me more than you, sucker!" sign. But that, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly what has happened to me.

Now I've come up with a few possibilities. Either it's all innocent and she doesn't realise how painful it is to have my nose rubbed in the glory of their friendship, or it's anything but innocent and I've inadvertently signed up for a catfight. The other explanation is that I've unwittingly made myself a third wheel in a budding clandestine romance, in which case...oooh shit. My gut is inclined to go with Option 2 (I have my reasons).

So what can I do? I'm shocked, disappointed, confused and upset. But none of that is gonna make me want to 'fight'. It's just not me. And it's not like me to be confrontational either, so we can cross out the "talk to her" option. All I can do is stomach it. Just sit through all the "ooh let me share this titbit of information about him to highlight the fact that I know him better than you" and the "ooh let me casually mention how he's so sweet to me and not you" moments. I mean seriously...I'm not the jealous type but she is really pushing me!

But yeah. Grin and bear. To be fair, it is my fault. My fault for bringing my emotions into the workplace, for forgetting that I should trust no one, and for allowing myself to get distracted and affected by all of this. I just need to get the walls back up and then all will be fine.

Sigh...when am I gonna stop allowing myself to get hurt?