Friday, April 09, 2010


Listening to: 'Defying Gravity' by Glee Cast [Glee: The Music, Volume 1]

My insides ache when I hear the Glee version of this song (I haven't seen Wicked yet so I've nothing to compare it with). There's a spot deep within my body, somewhere beneath my diaphragm...and it's like there's someone there, clawing at my skin from the inside, screaming, trying to get out. My chest feels tight, as if my lungs are trying to jump out of my ribcage. And my shoulders feel like they're about to explode.

My insides ache when I see babies. And oddly enough, it's exactly the same kind of ache I just described. It's like there's another pair of arms inside my own, trying to reach out.

The aching is also the same...when I'm spending time with him. It's like I have to restrain myself. It's a deep sense of longing, coupled with restraint. But I don't think it's him (even though he is lovely). And it isn't the babies (even though they are adorable). In fact, it isn't even the song (even though it is an amazing rendition of an amazing song). On the contrary, I think all this aching is just a manifestation of loneliness. A lot of loneliness.

It's the longing for something familiar, something comforting, something safe. Something that makes me truly happy. The majority of my real friends are somewhere between 50 and 11,000 miles away from me...and when a proper hug is what you need, even one mile is too many miles away. All I can hope for are weekends like the last one, or stolen moments with Shorty.

A part of me feels that this loneliness was the main reason for this crush (because essentially that's all it is) to develop. It wasn't because I wanted to be with him, but more because I wanted to be with someone. I've been thinking, and while I always knew he wasn't gonna be Mr. Right, I've decided that he isn't even Mr. Right Now. That's not to say he isn't an absolute sweetheart ('cos he is), but my gut is telling me that he's never gonna be my sweetheart...and if I've learnt one lesson from my many romantic misadventures, it's that I should always listen to my gut.

So here's the part where I let go. Where I rid my mind of all misplaced hope, and accept the reality of my predicament. I am sad, and I want to cry...but something's stopping me (there's that restraint again). Boys have brought me nothing but tears for the past 13 years, and it's always the same: "He doesn't like me! Waaah!". Something's gotta give.

You know, maybe I'm just not cut out for this 'relationship' malarkey. I mean I've always been a loner. Team activities were never my thing. Choir was probably the closest thing to teamwork that I engaged in, and even then I remember getting told off 'cos my voice could be heard "like a gunshot" over everyone else's (RIP Uncle Lylie). Maybe I just work better on my own.

A lot of people, including Shorty and my mother, seem to think that I'll find someone when I leave Cambridge. However, considering I currently have no plans for my post-Cambridge life, I think their words are probably meant as much to reassure them as they are to comfort me. And so I'm settling. For whatever comes my way. Apparently the horoscopes are coming in without any effort from my parents (go figure!), so I'll just wait for one to match. I can't hope for love, but at least I can hope for companionship, right?


  1. I don't quite know how to respond to this (but I absolutely have to, you understand) because it's almost like reading my fears, emotions and insecurities. Seprated into neat little logical paragraphs too :)

    I get the aching bit, atleast when it comes to babies. I am very randomely shouting out a 'I want babies!'or 'I want a baby' to anyone who's nice enough to listen. But I am guessing that's just me being hormonal :DD
    I get lonely too even though I have been surrounded by family the past couple of months. It must be harder on you because you are living alone in a foreign country. I wish I could say that the loneliness would go away when you find someone or a companionship, but I think when you are used to being alone for so very long, sometimes it manages to seep through even with the best of company. Maybe it's just how I work but that's how it can get.

    It's sad to hear that you are letting go of this (and you know how enthusiastic I have been, living vicariously through you and all) but I believe in gut instincts and radars (even though mine gets wonky sometimes) and if you think it's for the best, then you are the only one who knows the bestest. It's a bit sad that he doesn't know how all this came (and has gone too) but that's how some cookies crumble, isn't it?

    But I wish you wouldn't give up on love. Coming from probably the opposite end of the spectrum and as someone who is terribly in love with *love* itself, I don't have the most impartial opinion but it's a wondeful thing to experience and you of all the people I know, deserve to get married because you fell in love as you are one of the nicest person I have met with clearly so much love to share and give so it's almost a sin to see you just...settle.

    Even though this is a long, long comment, it probably didn't help. I am probably saying things that you have heard a million times over. I know what a pessimist you are and I know you are probably meh'ing me now (:P) but keep that little spark in you a little bit longer, butterfly. If you feel like you have nothing gain, then you have nothing to lose either :)

    (If that made sense)

  2. Fear not, for the average height of sri lankans is much shorter than brits. You shall blend in once you get here.

    ...also, I just find it... _strange_ that you have this very wedding-ey line over your comment box, yet are choosing to settle...

  3. when i was at lse i had this indian girlfriend who i knew would go off at the end of the year to get married to this guy i had met with her. in fact i remember telling her i was just "the space in between"..however we had a magical year and i often used to wonder what could have been had i asked for her hand but i wasn't ready. 10+ years later i am happily married and realise that time will determine most things in life. enjoy the moment in between..angst is not worth the energy :)

  4. I don't know how to respond actually, but I feel for you. You should come to Sri Lanka soon and chill with us :)
    Lots and lots of hugs.

    and remember, "The strongest trees are those that grow alone". I'm sure you'll make a great mom :D

  5. Well, the commenters above me have said everything that needs to be said, and I have nothing of value to add (errm, that's usually the case with me anyway, noh? lol) except "it'll happen when the time comes"! :)

    Hang in there Pseudo! *hugs*

  6. Don't settle, be picky. The best ones are worth the wait. Good luck :)

  7. Who said u need to meet someone (metaphorically) off the street? Ur opinion of 'just settling' could in fact be a path that's just not the well known or cliched way to 'fall in love'. It's where and when u look the least that u find love. It happened to me, right under my very nose.

    Stop setting definitions for love, Stop setting benchmarks and ideal case scenarios. Stop looking, ignore the agnst. Cry when u want to, wail into ur pillow if it helps u feel better... but, u find that person in the most un thought of, un imaginable places... and remember, Mr Right/Perfect doesn't really exist. It's all about how u adapt and make the best of things.

    Hang in there. Much love.

  8. Ooooh Pseudo. *hugs*

    Well, like Sabby started, I don’t know what to say – but I have to say something.

    I can empathise, and agree, with most comments – bits n pieces of all the comments – but I would go with T 100%. Just don’t ‘settle’ in life; that is suicide. Be picky, be demanding, and you will find your perfect match. You will find happiness in life, when you least expect it. Just have faith, have faith in YOU.

  9. "But Momma said
    Can't hurry love
    You'll just have to wait
    She said love don't come easy
    It's a game of give and take"
    hugs :)

  10. I echo so many of your thoughts in this post but I agree with T - don't settle! :(

    I can understand the being lonely part - especially when so many people I know are paired up but the right guy who deserves you will come along! And it'll all be worth the angst! :)

  11. "Get a grip, people hate sissies. No one's ever going to shag you if you cry all the time." - Love Actually (2003)


    Don't do it pseudo. Don't give up on yourself. You can't let that little constant ache inside you wear you down. Whats the point in drowning in your sorrows? Pleasure in pain is waay overrated.

    Dont think theres anything I can say that hasnt been said already. These things happen in the most unexpected places and i've seen patience rewarded greatly. Don't just give up. You're quite the catch, especially when you smile. So keep smiling. Sleep with a coat hanger in your mouth if that will help :D

    hugs and love

  12. Oh PR....

    I think I know how you feel, only a few days ago, I was telling my friend that I want a baby, and i actually went and bought baby clothes (not for me, but of the kids of my deceased friend) and I can't help the longing...

    I seriously don't know what to say, but I think Sabby did a fine job with saying what's meant to be said, and so did Cadence...

    All I can do right now, is hug you tight, and wish you luck. Love as a way of finding you, and sometimes refuses to be chased. It'll come to you, when it's good and ready.

    Hand in there babe...

    Much much love
    and many many huggles

  13. Have faith woman. Enjoy life. You'll find what you're looking for.
    Cheers, and suba nawa wasarak wewa!

  14. it'll come, just hang in there. good luck =)

  15. U know Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.

    Don't shut yourself from the world. There is a purpose hidden for the good and for the bad too.
    Hang in there darling..

    Showers of huggs.


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