Settling

Listening to: 'Defying Gravity' by Glee Cast [Glee: The Music, Volume 1]

My insides ache when I hear the Glee version of this song (I haven't seen Wicked yet so I've nothing to compare it with). There's a spot deep within my body, somewhere beneath my diaphragm...and it's like there's someone there, clawing at my skin from the inside, screaming, trying to get out. My chest feels tight, as if my lungs are trying to jump out of my ribcage. And my shoulders feel like they're about to explode.

My insides ache when I see babies. And oddly enough, it's exactly the same kind of ache I just described. It's like there's another pair of arms inside my own, trying to reach out.

The aching is also the same...when I'm spending time with him. It's like I have to restrain myself. It's a deep sense of longing, coupled with restraint. But I don't think it's him (even though he is lovely). And it isn't the babies (even though they are adorable). In fact, it isn't even the song (even though it is an amazing rendition of an amazing song). On the contrary, I think all this aching is just a manifestation of loneliness. A lot of loneliness.

It's the longing for something familiar, something comforting, something safe. Something that makes me truly happy. The majority of my real friends are somewhere between 50 and 11,000 miles away from me...and when a proper hug is what you need, even one mile is too many miles away. All I can hope for are weekends like the last one, or stolen moments with Shorty.

A part of me feels that this loneliness was the main reason for this crush (because essentially that's all it is) to develop. It wasn't because I wanted to be with him, but more because I wanted to be with someone. I've been thinking, and while I always knew he wasn't gonna be Mr. Right, I've decided that he isn't even Mr. Right Now. That's not to say he isn't an absolute sweetheart ('cos he is), but my gut is telling me that he's never gonna be my sweetheart...and if I've learnt one lesson from my many romantic misadventures, it's that I should always listen to my gut.

So here's the part where I let go. Where I rid my mind of all misplaced hope, and accept the reality of my predicament. I am sad, and I want to cry...but something's stopping me (there's that restraint again). Boys have brought me nothing but tears for the past 13 years, and it's always the same: "He doesn't like me! Waaah!". Something's gotta give.

You know, maybe I'm just not cut out for this 'relationship' malarkey. I mean I've always been a loner. Team activities were never my thing. Choir was probably the closest thing to teamwork that I engaged in, and even then I remember getting told off 'cos my voice could be heard "like a gunshot" over everyone else's (RIP Uncle Lylie). Maybe I just work better on my own.

A lot of people, including Shorty and my mother, seem to think that I'll find someone when I leave Cambridge. However, considering I currently have no plans for my post-Cambridge life, I think their words are probably meant as much to reassure them as they are to comfort me. And so I'm settling. For whatever comes my way. Apparently the horoscopes are coming in without any effort from my parents (go figure!), so I'll just wait for one to match. I can't hope for love, but at least I can hope for companionship, right?