One existential crisis, coming right up!

Listening to: 'Hello, I Love You' by Glee Cast [Glee]

I'm turning 27 in exactly one month *gasp*. Shorty and I were trying to decide whether this means I'm entering my 'late-twenties', or if I can stretch the 'mid-twenties' for another year...I sure hope it's the latter! He-whom-I-really-should've-given-up-on-by-now said I don't look 27. I didn't dare ask him how old I do look...I mean no self-respecting adult female wants to be told by the guy they like that they look about 12, right? So I just joked about how I'd still get ID'd when going to 'spoons (it's trashier than it looks), and that was that.

And then I watched Episode 14 of Glee (which was amazing, btw) and realised that in certain aspects, I'm actually a nowhere-near-as-pretty hybrid of Rachel and Emma...minus the amazing voice and the OCD. *Sigh*...how pathetic.

OK I'm gonna go back to my thesis in an attempt to hide from the impending doom. What a way to bring up the 300th post eh?

The curse of the has-been over-achiever

Listening to: 'Nothin' On You' by B.o.B. ft. Bruno Mars [B.o.B Presents The Adventures of Bobby Ray]

I got an email a couple of days back from one of my mother's friends asking me how I'm doing, and she said -

"...knowing you, you'll pass with flying colours. I know your parents are so proud of you."

Today, I decided to start updating my CV. I was looking at the example CVs in the guide book, and my list of achievements looked...well...minuscule, in comparison. I felt like a failure. A phony. Like I had let everyone I know down.

Why does everyone I've known since childhood assume that I'll just breeze through everything? My mother jokes that it's my own fault for being an over achiever. Perhaps...I'll accept, I used to be an over achiever. But not any more. Now I'm struggling to keep afloat. It's difficult enough as it is to not drown, without everyone else expecting me to just sail through. It's taken a lot of soul searching for me to accept the fact that things are difficult now, and that it doesn't mean I'm a failure. I'm learning how to ask for help, and I'm learning to love myself, warts and all...but the moment someone expects me to return to my over-achieving ways, it all comes crashing down. The chest tightens, the tension headache appears, and I burst into tears...only to be told off by my father for getting hysterical.

I wish I could explain to these people that it's difficult. And that it doesn't just happen. Yes I did my school exams well...but don't for a minute think that I didn't work incredibly hard. I am not a genius. I know a few geniuses, and I know that I'm not one of them. This assumption that my life is obstacle-free infuriates me. They expect more from me than they do from their own children...how is that fair?! It's peer pressure on a whole different level, and it's unbearable.

And it's not just regarding my studies.

"Someone like you must be having boys lining up at your door!"

I'm sorry, what?! WTF does 'someone like me' mean? Last time I checked, insecure, highly strung female engineers with no physical assets whatsoever weren't really high up on the 'desirability' scale. I wish people would quit the whole 'talking just for the sake of conversation' thing.

I don't really know where I'm going with this post. The positivity of a few days ago disappeared as quickly as it appeared. Looking at CVs was demoralising. I only managed to do half of what I was supposed to do today. And I'm as lonely as hell. Yes I know I keep going on about it. But seriously, you know it's bad when you think "oh shit I forgot to wish Dave for his birthday"...and by 'Dave', you mean 'Comedy Dave' Vitty off of The Chris Moyles Show on Radio 1 (wished him now on twitter though, so it's OK). I think I'm actually going crazy.

If I ever have children, a part of me hopes that they're not high achievers...no one deserves this pressure.

Pipedreams are made of these

Listening to: 'Jem Theme' by Jem and the Holograms [Jem]

I want to be a singer in a band. It'd be a five-piece - drums, keyboards, lead guitar, bass guitar, and...um...tambourine (I figure I could manage that). The drummer would be a girl...I've always thought female drummers were cool, ever since I saw Raya on TV (please don't judge me). We wouldn't be famous or anything...just playing the pub circuit and generally having fun. I'm not sure what I'd do during the day...probably work at the post office or something. The lead guitarist would get all the groupies (yes, even crappy bands get groupies in my dreams). And the keyboardist would secretly fancy the drummer (well he'd think it's a secret, but everyone would know, obviously). Oh and I'd have a steamy love affair with the bass guitarist that we'd have to hide from the other band members. And...um...haven't thought of the rest yet.

What's that I hear you say? PhD? Imaginary band members? Wishful thinking? Delusional? Gah, trust you to spoil my pipedream! Oh well, I guess I'll just go back to singing along (out loud) to my iPod as I walk down the street, hoping for a Shola Ama moment.