Friday, November 30, 2007

The Realist's Reluctant Pessimist's Dilemma

Listening to: 'Bubbly' by Colbie Caillat [Coco]

I'm not one for resolutions (yes I know I'm a month early but hey, my blog = my rules). I've questioned the importance of the New Year before, and I've always seen New Year resolutions as a list of unrealistic expectations that we write down so we feel like we're making progress. But things have changed. I find that I need something to believe in...'cos I don't believe in myself (ouch! Thanks, Newton Faulkner). Jokes aside, something needs to change. Yes I know I've said it before and done jack all about it, but I have to keep trying...don't I? Which reminds me of some other lyrics, this time from Adele's Chasing Pavements -
Should I give up, or
Should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
I used to think I was a realist, but now I'm leaning (heavily) towards pessimism. Interaction with human beings has left me with but shreds of hope. And yet I keep hoping. I wear make-up, hoping I can hide the blemishes. I work at my degree, hoping that I'll pass. I keep my wounded heart on my sleeve, hoping that someone will want to mend it for me. Why? Why am I so keen on giving myself every possible opportunity to prove myself wrong? Why am I chasing pavements? Am I that bad at being a pessimist? Do I even want to be a pessimist?

The quote on the right side of this page reads:
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
I guess it's the control freak in me that wants to be pessimistic. The part of me that wants to avoid sudden disappointment at all costs...even if it means resigning myself to prolonged disappointment instead. Is the dull ache better than the sharp prick?

But I digress. I need to change. I need to formulate a plan to effect this change. I guess New Year resolutions are as good a way to do that as any. Whether I resolve to give up, or to keep chasing pavements...only time will tell.

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