Sunday, April 15, 2007

Keeping up with appearances

Listening to: 'Take Control' by Amerie [Because I Love It]

Firstly, subha aluth avuruddak wewa! Had a lovely start to the traditional new year, full of great food, great company and great weather. Shorty commented that it's been a while since I called an experience 'awesome'...yesterday was a truly awesome day.

Moving on...

Ever felt like you were part of the furniture? That people have gotten so used to you being around, that they practically take you for granted? It's not that they don't like/love/care about you...but they forget that maybe you need some attention too, sometimes. I guess it's more noticeable in a male-dominated clique, where all the other girls are extremely pretty. The more you notice the preferential treatment, paranoia takes over and makes you focus on all your insecurities, and you start to wish for all the things that friendships shouldn't be based on: nicer clothes, nicer hair, bigger boobs, more flesh, better know the drill. Yeah, low self-esteem sucks...add that to paranoia and you've got yourself a cocktail for social suicide.

Does appearance really make a difference? Would dressing differently make me feel more comfortable around my friends...or would they just think I'm weird? I was wearing a flowing skirt yesterday, and according to one of my friends, I looked very different...'reserved' was the term he used. It wasn't a conscious decision to wear a skirt...I'd heard the weather was gonna be good, and it was New Year, so I figured I'd dress nice, that's all. Most of the time I just live in my somewhat baggy (not by choice...I'm just too skinny) jeans, so I guess a tapered skirt was an anomaly.

I'm puzzled...on the one hand, I want to make an effort to look more feminine: I want to try and gain some weight, clear my skin, get some nice clothes and actually wear them on a regular basis. But on the other hand, I'm not sure if I have the willpower to maintain such a materialistic lifestyle (yes I'm a lazy bum), and assuming I did, I'm not sure if it'll have the desired effect. But wait...I'm not even sure what this desired effect is!?!?!

Ugh it annoys me that I'm so dependent on my friends' acceptance. It makes me feel weak and helpless, and those are two traits I despise. but I guess, at the end of the day, it stems from the fact that, as Janet Jackson said at the end of her Velvet Rope album, "everybody needs to feel real special".


  1. I suppose more than anything else, confidence is what makes people stand out - not clear skin or pretty clothes or great hair or whatever. Some could argue that possesion of the above automatically HELPS build confidence but that isn't necessarily true. If you're a confident happy cheerful person then by default you would be far from being a piece of furniture. Does that make sense?

  2. Personally I have my bum moments but then there is a bit of a knock on effect of taking care of one-self...hitting the gym, etc for me makes me feel a lot better about myself...and that confidence is noticeable...

    As much as we would like to pretend that looks/appearance aren't everything they are sadly a lot...the good thing about that is that confidence is mostly in our power...blah...I sound like a bad informercial:) Hope that made sense..


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