Monday, April 20, 2009

What hurts the most*

Listening to: 'Push' by Matchbox Twenty [Yourself Or Someone Like You]

In the lab again la la la. A much shorter experiment today, so hopefully I'll be home by about 2am. I'm not really sure where to go from here so I'm gonna stop after this one and have a brainstorming session with my supervisor. The problem-solving aspect of my PhD is something I relish. The shifted bodyclock, not so much. But I guess I have to take the good with the bad. As my mother told me a few days back..."only a few more months of this putha, then you can write up"...yup. Only a few more months *fingers, toes and eyes crossed*.

I want to blog but I haven't had any bright ideas lately. Not enough is happening in my life, and at the same time, there's too much happening. And I'm not feeling 'organised' enough to blog about world issues. I find my mind drifting to the particular my failed romantic endeavours. Why? Why do I always go back to that? Everything else in the world can be right as rain and suddenly the little voice in my head will bring up some obscure depressing event from aeons ago (goodness knows there are plenty). And then it'll get stuck on repeat. And every time, the first thought that comes to mind is...
How much bad luck can one person have?! I mean seriously, come on! Let me have some fun, at least once?! I'm not asking for a lifetime of happiness...just one measly chance to feel wanted. No such luck.
And then the thought
Oh for goodness' sake just quit thinking about all this crap. You're in this alone so just forget about this 'love' nonsense and get on with your life.
And then if I make the mistake of telling someone (like I'm doing right now...hmm...) they try and give me an ego boost...and the depression-turned-annoyance turns into frustration, which surfaces as anger...
Yada yada yes you keep saying how wonderful I supposedly am, but it doesn't help does it? And what would you know anyway?!
And then I cry. I cry because I've lashed out at someone who cares about me. I cry because I'm sad. I cry because I'm lonely and helpless and I can't take it any more. And then I get over it. And I move on. Until the voice speaks again. And the cycle continues.

So I've stopped telling people. Or at least I've tried. I can't risk hurting them any more. Doesn't mean I've stopped hurting myself. I need to though. I need a way out. I need to know that when my mind is idle, it won't run to this well of discontent.

And therein, I think, lies the problem...this discontent. My mother said recently that things in life come easy for some people, and not so easy for others...and that I'm one of the latter. I've worked damn hard (and continue to do so) for everything I've achieved in my life. I don't regret it, but it does make me wonder when I see other people seemingly sailing through life. In almost every aspect of my life I've managed to overcome the bad karma and effect a positive outcome. But this, I just can't crack. And it taunts me. Day in day out. No respite. The one avenue where contentment has eluded me. And there's nothing I can do about it. And I think that's what hurts the most.

I'm gonna close with this beautiful rendition of 3am, from one of Matchbox Twenty's live sessions. Just because.

*I can't believe I just named a post after a Cascada track. Eek!


  1. Well PR, I can't say that I'm all knowing, or have seen much in life, but there is a tendency for people who get everything easy in life to never appreciate what they get. And they throw their luck (or life) away with the same ease that they got it.

    For example, I had this brilliant brilliant uncle. He was the the younger sibling to a doctor, and he came from a very wealthy family in Kandy. So he also becomes a doctor, does all the exams quick and easy. (he's brilliant no?) He's a really nice person, but he never finds his special someone. He goes deeper and deeper into vices, drinking and smoking and destroying himself. He comes back to Sri Lanka, never practices medicine here, uses his mothers money to drink and continue his destructive lifestyle. 3 years ago, he had a stroke and died. Such a brilliant man, but he died penniless. And left his mother penniless too. Thank god for his brother, or there wouldn't have been anyone to look after his mom.

    So, my point is, play to your strengths. If you're a good chemist, do that. If you're a bad drinker, don't do that. And let's face it, by this time next year, you'll be walking out of there, young and more qualified than most people will be in their whole lifetimes. You've got a lot to be proud of, don't you? :)

  2. oooh i LOVE that rendition.. ive had it for ages and its one o my fav covers of all time! :)

    i dnt wanna be one o those ppl that console u with words that dnt help, so.. all ill say is ur not alone in ur thinking :)

    just...keep lookin thru the fumes yea? :D

  3. You know, napoleon had the worst luck with women a man could ever dream of. But he went on to conquer most of europe in spite, or even because, of it. Greatness stems out of imbalance and harsh circumstances. So rock on.

  4. I personally think there are two ways of looking at one's life; count the failures/bad stuff or the successes/good stuff. If I were to look back on the past few months and list only all the bad things that have happened, I can very easily get depressed about everything and feel rather blue, to put it mildly. For the record, I could also hit back at someone with good intentions who tries to comfort me with a 'well, what would you know about losing a parent anyway?'. But I don't because it's not fair to.

    With regard to how things come easy for some people, it's possible that appearances are deceptive. Some people don't go on about how hard they worked at something to achieve what they have, but just because they don't talk about it doesn't mean it came on a silver platter either. What might seem effortless to you could weel have been a long hard road for them, they just don't talk about it much. So when you feel that you are starting to compare yourself to others (which imo is not a good thing to do anyway because its normal to have a negative bias) I guess you should tell yourself that perhaps you're overly influenced by this negative bias and maybe things aren't as bad as they seem/feel? (bad luck for you, goodluck for everyone else, and then it spirals downwards). Just a thought!

  5. Well if it's any consolation...alone and helpless is a pretty common feeling for myself...but I've come to like my alone time and I work hard to overcome my helplessness:)

  6. Hey I added you to my blogroll. Hope that's OK...

  7. Chavie - thanks dude :-). Yeah I am proud of what I've achieved...but sometimes this one 'failure' keeps gnawing at me and it's a big enough problem to offset all the achievements. I don't know why.

    Gehan - beautiful, isn't it? :-) sure? Sure feels like I'm the only one from where I'm looking. And yeah I'm looking through the fumes...not holding my breath though :-(

    Whack - lol you and your Napoleon :P Yeah I know...but see what I told Chavie.

    Darwin - I know what you mean and usually I'm fine...but then sometimes without warning, the loneliness envelopes me and ruins everything. Sometimes I think it's made worse by the notion that society thinks single people are missing insecurity is making me give into the hype.
    As for things coming easy, it's not an opinion borne out of perception...I know for a fact that there haven't been as many potholes for a lot of people I know (not all). But yeah I get what you mean about the danger of comparisons.

    N - Yeah it is, actually :-) I'm trying...and most of the time it's OK. Hopefully with time these lapses will fade :-)

    Sachintha - Aww thanks man, that's great! :-)

  8. Half the time, I wanna whack these people who try to 'help' by saying 'it's not that bad. You are such a nice person' in the head. HARD!
    If I am such a nice person and etc etc, why the hell am I alone and feeling lonely every damned night then, Einstein?!



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